Well here I Am. Not sure what I’m doing here to be honest but I’m excited to be here. This strange place that could turn into some escape point, some pressure valve to all my longings, dreams and fears. I cannot lie that the cyber world seems cold and distant and that I cannot picture a whole lot of the people I admire blogging or using Twitter but I guess it’s just my insecurity kicking in. Anyways here I am. I’ve got to turn in tomorrow a rather important video and I’m about to go and eat with my friends and times is running short and I’m kind of not enjoying the moment but well it is quite normal for me to think constantly about the future during the present (and what is the present anyways I mean the present can be defined by how much tolerance we give it. Say the present for me is…. now…. and that now is past now… for others the present can be a whole hour perhaps?) and I’ve never sat down and really gave it a thought.
In my life I’ve been blessed with so many things that I have more than I need. But I cannot seize the present most of the time. And now that I think about it I cannot understand why. Paranoia? Fear? Deep-rooted unhappiness? Whatever the reason I know it is not the best way to live. And I’ve come to discover that through the hard way actually.
I must be honest in this place. For my sake. And in my honesty I may find some of the answers I seek. I cannot overcome the past. That place holds much of what is dear to me; much of what makes me what I am. And it is until recently that I’ve discovered that the end of cycles hurt me. They hurt me deep down. I cannot bear for things to change like places, people and relationships for I become so attached to them that I couldn’t see them in any other way. And the past is the only place where these places, these people exist as I remember them.
And then the present represents all my longings as they come and flood me and I survive again and again only to keep on drifting as fragments waiting to break against the shore only to be remade again. It sounds like a torment and it is to some extent but it is the sweetest of torments because I get to reinvent myself constantly only to find out that I have always been like this.
The future. The future is the place I believe that can revive the dead cycles, the dead people, the dead places I carry with me. Somewhere in that strange and distant space I think that all answers will come, slowly, like a river’s current, trailing life and death along with it as well as my answers. But the future disappoints me constantly where I expected otherwise and surprises me on places I had no idea they existed.
After typing the past things I’ve come to realize that the future holds for me hope and the notion that it contains all the answers to my questions and problems. And coming to think about it is more than obvious. The past “has failed” and the present feeds from the past so the future becomes my only hope…
A bit confusing and without direction but I have my first post. I hope it’s the start of something good.
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